Crack of Sunlight
by incoherentramblings
Summary: Written in short parts, based around the song "I'm Not Dead" by Pink, lyrics in the story. Second ever attempt at a fanfic. Comments highly appreciated please.


-present-

Ichigo sighed to himself discontentedly, eyeing the calendar as he made his breakfast. Six months since his mistake, six months since Renji had left and still hadn't said a word to him.

* * *

-past-

_Theres always cracks, a crack of sunlight, a crack in the mirror on your lips_

The first morning he woke up next to the red head his initial reaction was shock. Had they really been that drunk? Or was it that they hadn't been drunk at all that had caused this. He stared into Renji's still sleep softened face, a whisper of a smile gracing his relaxed features that were bathed in morning sun. To Ichigo at that moment it didn't matter, he was just lucky to be laying here next to this man who had helped him through so much, this man he had grown to love. Regret just wasn't an option anymore, not after everything that had happened why would he regret something he desired so deeply. Renji's eyes cracked open and he looked up at Ichigo attempting to focus his still sleep laden eyes.

"Mornin" he spoke softly, voice a bit rough from sleep then he smiled widely at Ichigo, reassurance coming from all around him basking Ichigo in warmth. Renji, his own personal sun to chase away all that rain.

_

* * *

It's the fifth day of ice on a new tattoo, but the ice should be on our heads_

Renji's fingers traced the outline of the tattoo on Ichigo's upper arm, trembling slightly little ghostly touches. The younger man glanced into his lover's eyes a questioning look there. Renji smiled broadly, the answer apparent in his whole demeanor, he loved it. The tattoo encircled the thick part of Ichigo's upper arm, a few inches below his shoulder, and about 4 inches wide. It was a design similar to those found all over Renji's own body, and a mark that this could last. Renji felt hope flutter into his chest that he thought had died long ago. So many things he thought had died long ago but they had been birthed anew when Ichigo came along. Ichigo shifted uncomfortably, all of a sudden feeling the sudden weight of the commitment on him. He moved away from Renji slightly and turned to gaze out the window into the night eyes tracing patterns in the stars.

"I…" Renji began, and then turned his head to the side as well, "Uh, its nice," he finished as he retracted his fingers glad the words hadn't slipped out of his mouth just yet.

* * *

_We only spun the web to catch ourselves, so we weren't left for dead_

"Renji!" Ichigo yelled up the stairs as he carried groceries into the kitchen. "Argh, it would figure he's taking a shower right now," he muttered to himself and moved to put away cans and boxes. After shutting one of the cabinets the calendar caught his eye, it had been almost two years now. For a shinigami, he supposed, that wasn't so long but for him it felt like forever. Then as he thought about it, it felt like nothing. Fingering his marked arm under his shirt he thought for a while to himself, cans forgotten. Why had they ever become this in the first place, how did this happen. He was happy with his lover, happier than he had been since the war but it's not as though he had planned to wake up one day and fall for his best friend. Let alone his best male friend. Maybe he had just grabbed onto Renji in the hopes that he wouldn't fall, maybe he needed something to hold him up after the war, after everything that had happened and all the fear he had been through. Renji walked down the stairs then, wearing a bathrobe, his hair still down and dripping slightly.

"You're getting the floor wet," stated Ichigo. Renji glanced at him for a second and then crossed the distance and pulled the younger man into his arms. Sometimes he just knew when to talk and when not to, and for this Ichigo was thankful.

* * *

-present-

_And though this journey's over, I'd go back if you asked me to._

Ichigo almost burned his eggs mulling over the matter of Renji and then fell down into one of the chairs. What was the point in worrying about it now, Renji was gone. As a matter of fact what was the point of anything. When you give so much of yourself to another, there's nothing left when they leave. Ichigo sighed and held his head in his hands, elbows propped on his kitchen table, he'd still go back. If he could he would still fix things with a kiss and lay his head on Renji's chest to listen to his heartbeat one more time. If he could, he would still tell Renji he loved him.

* * *

-past-

_I'm not dead, just floating. Right between the ink of your tattoo and the belly of the beast we turned into._

"Ichi." Renji murmured thickly against Ichigo's neck their bodies still intertwined and slick. Ichigo made a small noise of response and curled himself tighter into the older man attempting to meld them together, skin to skin, flesh to flesh. His breath was starting to even out now, and his eyes were drifting shut as he nuzzled Renji's soft hair. He had always loved Renji's hair. They had grown so close, so inseparable in day to day life when Renji was there. Renji attempted to be around as much as he could, making up excuses to take off long weeks to go to Karakura.

"I love you," Ichigo mumbled breathing beginning to even out.

Renji smiled against his heated neck and whispered, "I love you too Ichi."

"Don't ever leave."

"Yanno I won't."

* * *

_I'm not scared, just changing. Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile, you're my crack of sunlight._

"Hello?" Ichigo answered his cell phone, still lounging in the bathtub.

"Hey," Renji's voice came through into his ear somewhat gritty and rough. Immediately Ichigo's heart began to pound in his chest and heat rose in his stomach. How did Renji have this effect on him, how did this man manage to make his blood boil by barely saying anything.

"You're quiet," Renji stated, "Whats up?" Ichigo sighed and closed his eyes before he answered.

"Nothing Ren, just miss you I guess."

"That's why I called, just wanted ya to be the first ta know I'll be there sometime tonight."

Ichigo breathed in quickly, not expecting that and then exhaled, "I'll be waiting." He hadn't meant for his voice to shake quite that much, clearly displaying pent up need but he couldn't quite help it. He could see the wicked grin that inhabited Renji's face, his lover enjoyed making Ichigo need him.

"You do that baby." Then the phone clicked. Oh was tonight going to be fun.

* * *

_You can do the math a thousand ways but you can't erase the facts that others come and others go but you always come back_

Ichigo found himself missing the red head before he had even left. He knew Renji would be back in a few weeks, but the time in between grew to be unbearable. He knew what it meant to give your all to someone now. He felt like part of him was missing every time he watched Renji's retreating form, knowing he had to wait again to see him. His eyes traveled over Renji's form as he stood there in Ichigo's room, ready to say goodbye. He traced those broad shoulders, the strong frame that Renji possessed. He knew he could make the frame shake if he tried. He let his eyes run over the stark black tattoos inhabiting much of Renji's body, letting them linger until he had finished putting his shirt back on. He knew those lines tasted different than the rest of Renji's skin, he knew where they were by heart his tongue could follow them like a map. Finally he let his eyes drift to Renji's own. They were deep crimson then, a soft sadness making them gorgeous and shocking at the same time, boring into Ichigo's core. He knew that he could make Renji's eyes full of lust, full of desire and need for him. Or that he could make then so loving his head would spin.

"Goodbye Ren." He spoke softly, as Renji nodded at him in response. They never took too long to say goodbye. He never said much, because he knew Renji would be back.

* * *

-present-

_I__'m not dead just floating underneath the ink of my tattoo I've tried to hide my scars from you_

Ichigo slammed his hands down into the table, knowing he wasn't going to make it through breakfast and instead moved to the bathroom to take a shower. In the shower he scrubbed hard at his skin until it was and angry red. Trying to scrub away his scars and regrets, trying to scrub away his love. Why had he kept things from Renji, why hadn't he just fixed things when they were still fixable. Instead he lied, trying to maintain a front that he just couldn't succeed in holding until finally their bond had grown so heavy under the weight of deceit it snapped. They had fought and argued, sparred out their differences and then tried to fix it with rough sex. He had grown distant, stopped telling Renji simple things like that he loved him. Never sharing his worries about what would happen to him, his nightmares about what had happened to him, or the facts that he still had so many secrets. He had buried everything, and in that he hadn't gained anything. He hadn't attained peace of mind, he wasn't able to move on with Renji and forget it all. All he had been able to do was lose the one thing he always had wanted to keep. Water streamed down his body as he thought, gradually turning cold. He shut off the stream and stepped out into the bathroom, dripping to stare at himself in the mirror. His hand traced the tattoo on his arm, so like when Renji had first seen it. He met his own eyes in the mirror and saw the brokenness there, but under it that familiar determination.

"I will make this right," Ichigo ground out, before moving away from the mirror, thoughts buzzing in his mind.

* * *

_I'm not scared at all. Underneath the cuts and bruises._

Ichigo donned his clothes in record time and made it to Urahara's. He entered the shop and yelled, "Kiskue!"

"Can I help you Ichigo?" The shopkeeper appeared from the next room over, trademark fan in his hand fluttering slightly.

"Yeah, I need to get to the soul society." Ichigo stated his gaze fixed on the ground.

"I see," Urahara responded, deciding he'd rather not question what exactly was going on. He had been well aware of the strong connection between the young man and Renji but never had really spoken of it. The last he had even heard from either of them was when Renji returned his gigai with a rapidly swelling black eye and tear tracks in the dust on his face. Urahara remembered asking if they had had a rough sparring match, to which Renji only looked plain into Urahara's eyes and shook his head. The complete void of feeling in those eyes, and the total desolation that he had seen was unimaginable and he dared not question any further.

Urahara turned his mind back to the present, "Give me a day or two Ichigo and I'll get you there." With that he disappeared as promptly as he had come.

* * *

_I'll find you, I will find you._

True to his word Urahara got Ichigo to the soul society two days later. Ichigo breathed in deeply once there, he had missed this place. Despite the war and the bad memories he still had soul society had been home for a while. He sent out his reiatsu, searching for Renji. Being as close to the red head for as long as he had been, it didn't take much to find him. Luckily for Ichigo it seemed that Renji was at home, without any more time wasted Ichigo shunpoed off in the direction of the faint reiatsu, resolve and regret firm in his heart.

Renji had decided not to go into the office that day, he didn't have the heart for it. Some days were just harder than others. It had been a while since everything with Ichigo had occurred but the feelings still weighed him down and tossed him into chaos every now and then. His sleep filled with dreams of the paler man's skin and softly spoken words, his waking hours haunted with memories that would assault him at random times. Sometimes he wondered what Ichigo was doing right then, or if he thought of him but he quickly pushed those thoughts away. Thinking like that didn't do him any good, in fact thinking like that would just wind him up in more trouble. He was still laying in bed when he felt a tingling, just on the edge of his perception.

"Ichigo?" He whispered, fear and hope rising in his heat at the same time.

* * *

_I'm not dead, just floating. I'm not scared just changing. You're my crack of sunlight._

Before Renji could think much more Ichigo had walked through his door and firmly placed himself at the foot of Renji's bed. The red head looked up into those oh so familiar golden eyes and saw there what he hadn't seen in such a long time. The old determination, stubbornness and pure Ichigo. His heart began to pound in his chest, was it possible that things had changed? Or was Ichigo just here to put him through another ring of hell.

"Ren." Ichigo said, not really able to find any other words, then dropped Zangetsu to the floor—something he'd apologize for later—and closed the distance between him and Renji.

Renji gasped in surprise, the embrace he was in almost crushing but the pain such wonderful reminder that this was real. He reacted, pulling Ichigo down on top of him so they were a comfortable pile of arms and legs and held onto the younger man with all his might. Before he realized it there were tears streaming down his face and onto Ichigo's neck, he couldn't remember the last time he had cried. Despite everything, he just hadn't cried. He felt his reiatsu mesh so easily back into Ichigo's and all of a sudden he felt like his heart was just going to burst.

"Why are you here?" He asked, so quietly that Ichigo barely heard it. He began to tense, but he realized the only edge in Renji's voice was one of pain. He pulled back far enough to look into Renji's eyes, those crimson eyes that could see right through him. Eyes that he wanted to stare into always, that he realized he wanted to know everything about him.

"I love you Ren. I came to make this right." Ichigo stated burying his face into Renji's hair and inhaling the sweet scent he had missed so deeply.

"I won't ever keep any part of me from you, no matter how scared I am or how angry."

Renji had waited, and hoped for this moment. He had prayed that Ichigo hadn't moved on, he had stared listlessly for hours at the wall willing Ichigo to come to him, and now he was finally here.

"Ichi." Renji choked, "I love you too." Uncapable of much more he simply twisted more of Ichigo's hakama into his hands and cried silently against his chest. Damn it, when had he grown this weak he thought to himself. But then looking back up into Ichigo's eyes, now the warmest honey gold he had ever seen he remembered why he waited and hoped. Bathed in the morning sunlight they held each other tightly, pounding hearts and softened eyes communicating what words could never come close to saying. Ichigo leaned down and kissed Renji lightly on the lips, so gentle that it was less of a kiss and more just a ghost of one, but still Renji felt his lips burn at the contact. He wrapped one hand up and around Ichigo's neck to bury it in those orange locks and brought Ichigo's lips to his hard. His mind spun as he desperately kissed this man he loved with all his heart. Quickly however, the love faded to the background and the desperation took over. Lips clashed roughly against each other, teeth biting and scraping, tongues a chaotic whirlwind of passion between them. Ichigo ground his hips against Renji's and they groaned into each other's mouths simultaneously. Already panting and rock hard, Ichigo drew back for a moment to look at his lover. Though both their eyes were already glazed over with lust he was able to see the forgiveness underneath.

"That's good enough for now," Ichigo thought to himself before once again pressing his lips to Renji's a smirk beginning to play across his lips. It had been so long, but now he'd make it up to Renji. He'd make everything all right, one step at a time but the first step he wanted to take now. He opened his eyes and pulled away just far enough he could be hear, lips still brushing against Renji's.

"I hope you don't have anything important today, cause we're not leaving this bed for a while."

Renji looked up at his lover and grinned so broadly in a way that only he could. Maybe things could be right after all.


End file.
